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I am aromantic. This means that I do not get crushes, I do not desire a romantic relationship or a partner, and do not need one to be happy. I also consider myself nebularomantic, though this is a label I cling to MUCH more loosely and I do not fully identify with it (see my soon-to-be-published article on self-diagnosis for more clarification). I just don’t feel the need for a microlabel like that, so when anyone asks, I just say I’m aromantic.

If you want the specifics, I am a nonarmorous romance-averse aromantic bisexual cisgender woman who believes in the split attraction model. If all of that was Greek to you, don’t worry about it. I don’t actively use half those labels, and it’s all semantics anyway.

In clearer terms, the following things apply to me:

• I do not feel romantic attraction, i.e., I do not fall in love.
• I do not desire or need a romantic relationship
• I do not get crushes
• The idea of myself in any romantic situation or context makes me very uncomfortable, but romance itself, especially in fiction, is okay. Sometimes (but very rarely) I even actively enjoy the romance genre

Growing up, I never had a crush. Not even once. I thought “crushes” were all a big inside joke that everybody pretended to have. I would occasionally also pretend to have one, just to fit in, but I never truly understood that “butterflies in the stomach” feeling, or why other girls would get flustered around certain boys they liked. I simply never experienced that.

As I got older and more pressure began to be put on dating and romance, it became even clearer that something was different about me. I would raise an eyebrow at how obsessed people my age would get with trying to find a partner. I didn’t see the appeal, and I didn’t know why. Everything in society told me that that was something everyone felt, but somehow… I didn’t.

During my freshman year of high school, I took an intro-level art class, and about halfway through the year, we had a new student come in. He sat at my table, and he and my small group quickly got along, and we became friends. It wasn’t until the beginning of my sophomore year that I started to realize I was feeling something slightly different towards him that I hadn’t felt before, and I incorrectly assumed this was my first real crush. I acted hastily and asked him out, to which he said yes. We never really went on any real dates nor did anything “romantic” (aside from a very quick and awkward kiss in my living room), and after a few months and quite a lot of late-night soul searching, I broke it off. I felt guilty because I really do think he genuinely liked me, and I felt as if I led him on. To this day, I still feel a bit guilty about that, but we were 16, and romance is messy when you’re 16.

Once I discovered aromanticism in late 2020, everything seemed to click. I realized that no, I never had a crush on him. What I had felt was a weird mix of platonic attraction and societal pressure. Yes, I did think he was cute, but I didn't truly want to date him. I did not want to have that kind of intimate relationship, and I think my brain, sensing that I wanted to be friends with him and that I also thought he was a little bit attractive, jumped at the chance to “finally get a boyfriend” and conform to what was expected of me as a teenager.

The obsession our society has with love and romance and finding “the one” can be really disheartening to people like me, especially if they don’t know they’re like me. The idea that you need a partner to be truly happy and fulfilled in life and that single people are lonely and without purpose is damaging and hurtful — plenty of people are just happy enough without a partner in their lives and perpetuating this idea can make them feel like there’s something wrong with them, that they’re “broken” or need to be fixed.

Sometimes I find myself sneering when I see someone complaining about being single on Twitter, or scoffing when people gush about their crushes or their “situationships” in class. How can someone be so shallow that their idea of self-worth is based on whether or not they have a partner? When I find myself thinking like this, I need to remind myself to take a step back and remember that this is not the point for them. Romance means vastly different things to other people than it does to me, and that’s okay. It can just really get exhausting as an aromantic individual in such a romance-centric world.

I suppose this post also serves as a PSA to anyone who may know me in real life. If you are flirting with me or thinking of flirting with me (please don’t), I will probably not realize it until after the fact, and anything that you may interpret as me flirting in return is just me being polite or friendly. It’s nothing personal or malicious, but I genuinely have no interest in you romantically. It makes me very uncomfortable and I freeze up and slip into people-pleasing mode (I.e. accidentally saying yes to plans or what are low-key dates when I don’t have a good excuse to say no on the fly, also in fear of being seen as rude or as if I don’t like you as a person) so do not flirt with me intentionally if you know this, please and thank you. It just causes unnecessary stress and anxiety for me, especially when I have to scramble for a way to cancel plans I didn't really want to make after the fact, without seeming like I’m making up an excuse.

“But if you’re aromantic, how can you also be bisexual?”

While I am not romantically attracted to anybody, I do still find people attractive in general. In other words, and to speak rather bluntly, I would never date someone, but I might have sex with them. This is also where the split attraction model comes into play. The SAM says that there are different forms of attraction and that a person could have a different identity or intensity they feel in each aspect — platonic, romantic, and sexual attraction are the three main types. For example, someone could not feel any sexual attraction at all (asexual) but still fall in love with people or desire a relationship (this is what we call “alloromantic”; it’s essentially just the opposite of aromantic).

“Aren’t you lonely?”

No. No, I am not. A partner is something I have never wanted or needed in my life. I am happy enough on my own, and a boyfriend or girlfriend is not something I need to be happy or feel fulfilled. I get all the love I need from my wonderful friends and family and pets. Also, please, for the love of God, stop asking aro people this. No, we're not heartless. We still love our families and friends.

“Where can I read more?”

You can visit the AUREA website to read more about aromanticism in general, as well as visit their FAQ page for some quick answers to questions you might have. You can also try to find aromantic communities online, like on Reddit or Tumblr, and search there.

Learning that I am aromantic has truly helped me feel more comfortable about myself and who I am. I know why I feel the way I do about romance, and it helps me set boundaries I would’ve had trouble setting if I didn’t know. I feel more at home in my identity now than I did before discovering aromanticism, and I wouldn’t take it back if I could.